{"id":17859,"date":"2025-02-18T10:39:19","date_gmt":"2025-02-18T15:39:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thealfam.com\/evermore\/public\/?p=17859"},"modified":"2026-07-28T13:15:06","modified_gmt":"2026-07-28T17:15:06","slug":"grief-doesnt-have-a-timeline-letting-go-of-societys-expectations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thealfam.com\/evermore\/grief-doesnt-have-a-timeline-letting-go-of-societys-expectations\/","title":{"rendered":"Grief Doesn\u2019t Have a Timeline: Letting Go of Society\u2019s Expectations"},"content":{"rendered":"[vc_row type=”in_container” full_screen_row_position=”middle” column_margin=”default” column_direction=”default” column_direction_tablet=”default” column_direction_phone=”default” scene_position=”center” text_color=”dark” text_align=”left” row_border_radius=”none” row_border_radius_applies=”bg” row_position_desktop=”default” row_position_tablet=”inherit” row_position_phone=”inherit” overflow=”visible” overlay_strength=”0.3″ gradient_direction=”left_to_right” shape_divider_position=”bottom” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_column column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_tablet=”inherit” column_padding_phone=”inherit” column_padding_position=”all” flex_gap_desktop=”10px” column_element_direction_desktop=”default” column_element_spacing=”default” desktop_text_alignment=”default” tablet_text_alignment=”default” phone_text_alignment=”default” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_backdrop_filter=”none” column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” column_link_target=”_self” column_position=”default” gradient_direction=”left_to_right” overlay_strength=”0.3″ width=”1\/1″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” animation_type=”default” bg_image_animation=”none” border_type=”simple” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid”][vc_column_text]\n

Grief Doesn\u2019t Have a Timeline: Letting Go of Society\u2019s Expectations<\/strong><\/h1>\n

By Nora Biette-Timmons<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s almost a rite of passage, googling \u201cstages of grief\u201d when you\u2019re grieving, supporting a loved one who\u2019s grieving, or preparing to enter a period of grieving. The idea that there are stages\u2014that we will move through certain emotional states in a particular order\u2014is comforting; it suggests that this pain will someday not only be lessened but over. That\u2019s not the way grief works.<\/p>\n

Some models say there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Others have sought to inject a bit more nuance into it, with stages that include \u201cthe upward turn\u201d and \u201cacceptance and hope<\/a>,\u201d but these are also inadequate for portraying the journey of grieving, which is neither linear nor the same for each person, nor does it end after a person has experienced a certain set of emotions.<\/p>\n

For some, of course, the concept of \u201cstages of grief\u201d may be comforting: to have a heads up about what emotions you may soon feel can help you feel less alone in grief. The \u201cstages\u201d also suggest some communal solidarity in grief; they imply that nearly every other human being has experienced the same turmoil.<\/p>\n

But whether you are grieving yourself or supporting a loved one going through grief, it\u2019s important to remember that, despite social\u2014and even medical\u2014expectations, grief is not linear. Especially after losing a loved one, grief is a life-long process, something that ebbs and flows through different stages of life, just like every other emotion.<\/p>\n

Where does the idea of linear grief come from?<\/strong><\/h2>\n

The \u201cfive stages of grief\u201d framework was first put forth by Dr. Elisabeth K\u00fcbler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying<\/em>, which came out in 1969. At the time, this was a groundbreaking work: K\u00fcbler-Ross wrote it based on her experiences working with terminally ill patients, who often told stories of how they were mistreated, ignored, dismissed, or treated inhumanely by medical professionals, which echoes what many bereaved people feel today. The idea that dying carried emotional repercussions and that those emotions ought to be honored and cared for was truly important\u2014but it should be thought of as the starting point for conceiving grief, rather than the be-all-end-all.<\/p>\n

However, because grief is messy and throws our regular lives off-kilter, the \u201cstages of grief\u201d idea has developed quite a strong foothold in contemporary Western society because- it treats grief as neater and tidier than it really is, giving people the idea that at some point, things will return to \u201cnormal.\u201d<\/p>\n

This has, unfortunately, become fairly widespread. When she shared her story with WPSU Penn State\u2019s Speaking Grief<\/em> documentary, Joyal Mulheron, Evermore\u2019s founder and executive director, said that, after losing her daughter, she found that \u201ceveryone [else] has \u2026 some sort of internal timestamp where they feel like at this point, you should be doing better.\u201d<\/p>\n

And what that actually means for a grieving person can be harmful. \u201cIn some cases, I have found that doing better means that you are less inconvenient for someone else or you make them feel less uncomfortable about the loss or the death that you\u2019ve experienced.\u201d<\/p>\n

Besides the \u201cstages of grief,\u201d many of us first encounter grief in popular culture\u2014in movies, TV, or books, where there is a definitive beginning, middle, and end. Art and music can be crucial tools in helping grieving people process their loved one\u2019s death and their own feelings, but especially in narrative art and culture, it is difficult to accurately portray the grieving process. For example, we often see grieving people on TV acting out, being destructive, engaging in self-harm, hitting so-called rock bottom\u2014for example, on The OA<\/em><\/a> or Grey\u2019s Anatomy<\/em><\/a>\u2014but then they emerge, recognize their pain, heal, and ta-da, they\u2019re fixed. But that\u2019s not the way grief works in real life; there is no \u201cend,\u201d the way there is in a movie.<\/p>\n

On top of that, our contemporary work culture and economy have no room built in for grace, which is one of the many things grieving people need. Many companies offer only a few days off to mourn a loved one; then, a bereaved person must return to work, and be able to still perform at their job as they did before. For the lucky among us, a kind manager and a flexible sick leave policy lessen the whiplash of returning to a \u201cnormal\u201d work life\u2014but overall, those are exceptions, not norms.<\/p>\n

\u201cOur contemporary society doesn\u2019t respect the need for time. We\u2019re getting more and more rushed, more and more focused on consuming and less and less tolerance for listening,\u201d Ted Rynearson, a psychiatrist whose research focuses on violent death and the unique bereavement experience it conjures, told Speaking Grief. \u201cAnd so, we hope for and anticipate easy answers, and I think that\u2019s what stages and a lot of the popular books that are written on grief can be very comforting. But they often don\u2019t respect the fact that things are forever changed, and we can\u2019t go through steps to recover.\u201d<\/p>\n

Grieving, facing pressure to be \u201cnormal,\u201d and needing to perform \u201cbeing OK,\u201d as Megan Devine so clearly articulated in her bestselling grief book, It\u2019s OK That You\u2019re Not OK<\/em><\/a>.<\/p>\n

What happens when we rush grief?<\/strong><\/h2>\n

\u201cThere are really only two stages of grief; there\u2019s who you were before and who you are after,\u201d Rynearson said.<\/p>\n

When we try to rush grief, to move through it too quickly\u2014or to pretend that it\u2019s not happening\u2014we are not acknowledging the true, painful fact that the life of the bereaved person has been irrevocably changed. Ignoring that reality can cause people to feel even more alone and like they do not have the support system they need.<\/p>\n

Allowing everyone (including yourself!) to cope with grief at their own pace allows their brain and their body to process grief in the individualized way that is best for that person. Bereavement is associated with poor declines in mental and physical health. Just last week, Dr. Mary-Frances O\u2019Connor released her second book, The Grieving<\/em> Body<\/a>, detailing the physiological impact of grief on the body. Many experts, including O\u2019Connor, research prolonged grief disorder (PGD), which affects as many as 7 percent of bereaved people, where a grieving person may \u201cget stuck\u201d in their grief.<\/p>\n

So, \u201cwhat constitutes \u2018normal\u2019 grief?\u201d psychiatric researchers Sidney Zisook and Katherine Shear asked in a 2009 paper. \u201cThere is no simple answer. Grief is different for every person and every loss, and it can be damaging to judge or label a person\u2019s grief, especially during early bereavement.\u201d (You can read their full paper here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n

Letting go of timelines<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Speaking from her personal experience, Mulheron said, \u201cGrief is like a volume switch. In the very beginning, it\u2019s very loud. It\u2019s almost so loud that you can\u2019t remember if you\u2019ve eaten, you can\u2019t remember if you\u2019ve showered.\u201d<\/p>\n

After a while, the volume dies down: \u201cYou work on ways to lower it, and you try to keep it at a manageable volume,\u201d she added, even though, \u201cin the first few years, it remains very high, although it lowers enough that you remember to eat, you remember when you need to shower.\u201d<\/p>\n

Imagine a soundwave graph: There are spikes, deep valleys, and levels so consistent they almost look straight. That\u2019s what grief can look like, and there is no guarantee that one reaction will come after another.<\/p>\n

For some, obvious manifestations of grief don\u2019t begin until months after losing a loved one, further disproving that there is a single grief timeline for everyone. People can appear and act fine the day or a week after a loss\u2014and suddenly be paralyzed by it in six months\u2019 time. Acute feelings of grief may also reemerge years after loss.<\/p>\n

Supporting bereaved people <\/strong><\/h2>\n

Ignoring any sense of a timeline, order of emotions, or \u201cappropriate\u201d responses is the best way to start supporting a grieving loved one. Nix social expectations: Focus only on the individual you are caring for. Recognize that their lives are occurring through the filter of grief, whether or not that grief appears obvious to you.<\/p>\n

Those you encounter may be grieving in some way that you do not know about\u2014and they may not want to talk about it. But that doesn\u2019t mean you can\u2019t support them.<\/p>\n

\u201cUnderstand that at any time, someone is dealing with something that is creating a barrier, a challenge to their hundred-percent self showing up,\u201d Alesia K. Alexander<\/a>, an advocate who works with youth who\u2019ve experienced loss, told Speaking Grief<\/em>. \u201cWe can respond to that honestly and openly, then we are really creating that safe environment for sharing.\u201d<\/p>\n

On our website, Evermore lists 10 ways<\/a> you can support a grieving person. The most important thing is to speak up; ignore the awkwardness you feel in addressing someone\u2019s loss or pain. Give people the grace to respond when they are able\u2014which might not be for months or years. But don\u2019t act as if everything is back to normal when you see or talk with them; it never will be because they\u2019ve lost a loved one, and just like Devine says, \u201cthat\u2019s OK.\u201d[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row type=”full_width_content” full_screen_row_position=”middle” column_margin=”default” equal_height=”yes” content_placement=”middle” column_direction=”default” column_direction_tablet=”default” column_direction_phone=”default” bg_color=”#FAF8F6″ bg_image=”20962″ bg_image_type=”default” bg_position=”center center” background_image_loading=”default” bg_repeat=”no-repeat” scene_position=”center” top_padding=”5%” constrain_group_1=”yes” bottom_padding=”5%” left_padding_desktop=”10%” constrain_group_2=”yes” right_padding_desktop=”10%” text_color=”dark” text_align=”left” row_border_radius=”none” row_border_radius_applies=”bg” row_position_desktop=”default” row_position_tablet=”inherit” row_position_phone=”inherit” overflow=”visible” enable_gradient=”true” color_overlay=”#FAF8F6″ color_overlay_2=”#FAF8F6″ overlay_strength=”0.95″ gradient_direction=”left_to_right” shape_divider_position=”bottom” bg_image_animation=”none” gradient_type=”default” shape_type=””][vc_column column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_tablet=”inherit” column_padding_phone=”inherit” column_padding_position=”all” flex_gap_desktop=”10px” column_element_direction_desktop=”default” column_element_spacing=”default” desktop_text_alignment=”default” tablet_text_alignment=”center” phone_text_alignment=”center” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_backdrop_filter=”none” column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” column_link_target=”_self” column_position=”default” gradient_direction=”left_to_right” overlay_strength=”0.3″ width=”2\/3″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” animation_type=”default” bg_image_animation=”none” border_type=”simple” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid”][nectar_gradient_text heading_tag=”h2″ color=”extra-color-gradient-1″ gradient_direction=”horizontal” text=”Get the Latest Updates”][vc_column_text css=”.vc_custom_1784681150948{margin-top: 15px !important;}” text_direction=”default”]\n

Keep up to date on the latest legislative actions, news, resources, and events advancing bereavement care in America.<\/h4>\n[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][vc_column column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_tablet=”inherit” column_padding_phone=”inherit” column_padding_position=”all” flex_gap_desktop=”10px” column_element_direction_desktop=”default” column_element_spacing=”default” desktop_text_alignment=”default” tablet_text_alignment=”center” phone_text_alignment=”center” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_backdrop_filter=”none” column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” column_link_target=”_self” column_position=”default” gradient_direction=”left_to_right” overlay_strength=”0.3″ width=”1\/3″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” animation_type=”default” bg_image_animation=”none” border_type=”simple” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid”][vc_row_inner column_margin=”default” column_direction=”default” column_direction_tablet=”default” column_direction_phone=”default” text_align=”right” row_position=”default” row_position_tablet=”inherit” row_position_phone=”inherit” overflow=”visible” pointer_events=”all”][vc_column_inner column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_tablet=”inherit” column_padding_phone=”inherit” column_padding_position=”all” column_element_direction_desktop=”default” column_element_spacing=”default” desktop_text_alignment=”right” tablet_text_alignment=”default” phone_text_alignment=”default” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_backdrop_filter=”none” column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” column_link_target=”_self” overflow=”visible” gradient_direction=”left_to_right” overlay_strength=”0.3″ width=”1\/1″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” animation_type=”default” bg_image_animation=”none” border_type=”simple” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid” column_padding_type=”default” content_layout=”default” gradient_type=”default”][nectar_cta btn_style=”arrow-animation” arrow_animation_alignment=”left” heading_tag=”span” link_type=”new_tab” button_color=”accent-color” button_color_hover=”#247CC1″ text_color=”#FFFFFF” text_color_hover=”#FFFFFF” button_border_thickness=”2px” alignment=”center” alignment_tablet=”default” alignment_phone=”default” display=”block” display_tablet=”inherit” display_phone=”inherit” link_text=”Sign Up Now” font_size_desktop=”1.1em” url=”https:\/\/thealfam.com\/evermore\/mailing-list\/” padding_top=”0.65em” padding_bottom=”0.65em” padding_left=”1.5em” padding_right=”1.5em”][\/vc_column_inner][\/vc_row_inner][\/vc_column][\/vc_row]\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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